This is a post I've been wanting to do for a few weeks now, but I just never found (made) the time. JT and I have talked a lot about our expectations for when the baby comes. We've taken advantage of the 45 minute drives to doctors appointments to talk about things that are important to us after the baby comes, how we can prepare our marriage for parenthood, and about what it will look like for us to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3.
A Discovery and Suggestion: This isn't something that society talks about very often, and when we do it sounds like this: "Get ready to never have alone time again..." "I hope you're ready to be exhausted..." "Don't expect a date night any time soon..." Those aren't very encouraging statements, especially not for two people who are about to go through a time of potentially hard transition and sleep deprivation. I propose a change. Instead of statements like those, give one of encouragement: a Bible verse, an offer to babysit, or a suggestion of something you did to maintain a healthy marriage once the baby came.
4 Ways to Prepare your Marriage for Parenthood:
Advice from a married woman who doesn't actually have a child yet, and may be completely wrong about the following steps. (We will see, and I'll be sure to update whether these things were actually helpful or not.)
Disclaimer: Everyone is different. Every pregnancy, labor and delivery, child, and marriage is different. Just because something works or might work for someone else does not mean it will work for you. Give yourself grace as you're figuring out this whole parent thing. Give your spouse grace too, in case that wasn't obvious.
1) Set Expectations. Before the baby comes, talk to your spouse about what you expect their role to be. This will look different for husbands and wives, and it will look different for every couple. It is very likely that these roles will change once the baby actually does come, but talking about it ahead of time can help set you both up for more success.
2) Don't skip date nights. It doesn't have to be extravagant, expensive, or even super romantic. It does have to be time for just you and your spouse, no babies or other children allowed. Babysitters can be expensive, you may not have family or friends close enough to volunteer to watch the baby, there are a thousand things that will make it easy to skip date night, don't do it. Here are some thoughts/tips/ideas:
Date night at home: I totally understand that sometimes you just don't have someone to watch the baby. I get it, but that doesn't mean you have to skip date night. I also totally get that when you're exhausted and sleep deprived you might just want to stay home. Here are my suggestions: Rule #1: Set a date. When you're figuring out your schedule for the week write down "Date Night" just like you would if you were going out. Whenever the baby sleeps the longest in the day is officially date night. Rule #2: No checking on the baby, feel free to keep the monitor close by, but don't turn date night into a game of who can see if the baby is still asleep the most. Rule #3: Order take out. I love cooking, but date night is often a treat which means I don't have to. I have a feeling I will be especially grateful for this when I'm sleep deprived and exhausted. You can order it to be delivered or one of you can go and pick it up, either way order in. Rule #4: Be intentional with entertainment. Rent a movie on Redbox, watch an episode of your favorite show, play a board or card game, but here is the catch: You can't start the entertainment until after dinner. Spend that time to talk to each other, see how both of you are feeling. Is there something you're struggling with? Ask each other questions like: What has given you the most joy since becoming a parent? What has been the hardest thing for you so far? You might be surprised by the answers. Do what works for you, if that means some of these rules change, go for it.
Date night out: If you are one of the lucky few who has family and friends nearby and willing to watch the baby for free or cheap, or you have a babysitter that you feel comfortable leaving the baby with, go for a date night out. Dinner and a movie, go for a walk in the park for some outside fresh air, or, a personal favorite, go to the bookstore for coffee, cheesecake, and time to pour over a few pages without a baby crying in the background.
3) Check in with each other daily. Ask each other questions. I mentioned this earlier, but I really think it is important. See how each other is doing. What is going great for them? What is an area they need more encouragement in? Is there anything you can do differently? This won't look the same everyday, that's okay, but it should be a priority. Send a text, write a post-it and put it where the other person will see it and be able to respond, call while you're in the car, check in during nap time, talk before bed, whatever works for you.
4) Pray for each other daily. Change is hard. Transitions are tough, and becoming a parent is a huge transition. One of the best ways you can support and love each other during this time is to pray for each other and pray together. It doesn't have to be long or eloquent. It can be as simple as praying for strength to make it through another day, either way, make this a priority.
Who knows if I will be able to stick to these things as JT and I begin this journey of parenthood, but I am willing to try, and I definitely think it will be worth it. I am well aware that I haven't gone through this transition before and that I have a lot to learn. You really don't have to tell me that I have no idea what I'm getting into. What I do know is that this next season of my life is going to be an adventure full of grace and diapers, and I can't wait to share it all with you guys.
A Discovery and Suggestion: This isn't something that society talks about very often, and when we do it sounds like this: "Get ready to never have alone time again..." "I hope you're ready to be exhausted..." "Don't expect a date night any time soon..." Those aren't very encouraging statements, especially not for two people who are about to go through a time of potentially hard transition and sleep deprivation. I propose a change. Instead of statements like those, give one of encouragement: a Bible verse, an offer to babysit, or a suggestion of something you did to maintain a healthy marriage once the baby came.
4 Ways to Prepare your Marriage for Parenthood:
Advice from a married woman who doesn't actually have a child yet, and may be completely wrong about the following steps. (We will see, and I'll be sure to update whether these things were actually helpful or not.)
Disclaimer: Everyone is different. Every pregnancy, labor and delivery, child, and marriage is different. Just because something works or might work for someone else does not mean it will work for you. Give yourself grace as you're figuring out this whole parent thing. Give your spouse grace too, in case that wasn't obvious.
1) Set Expectations. Before the baby comes, talk to your spouse about what you expect their role to be. This will look different for husbands and wives, and it will look different for every couple. It is very likely that these roles will change once the baby actually does come, but talking about it ahead of time can help set you both up for more success.
2) Don't skip date nights. It doesn't have to be extravagant, expensive, or even super romantic. It does have to be time for just you and your spouse, no babies or other children allowed. Babysitters can be expensive, you may not have family or friends close enough to volunteer to watch the baby, there are a thousand things that will make it easy to skip date night, don't do it. Here are some thoughts/tips/ideas:
Date night at home: I totally understand that sometimes you just don't have someone to watch the baby. I get it, but that doesn't mean you have to skip date night. I also totally get that when you're exhausted and sleep deprived you might just want to stay home. Here are my suggestions: Rule #1: Set a date. When you're figuring out your schedule for the week write down "Date Night" just like you would if you were going out. Whenever the baby sleeps the longest in the day is officially date night. Rule #2: No checking on the baby, feel free to keep the monitor close by, but don't turn date night into a game of who can see if the baby is still asleep the most. Rule #3: Order take out. I love cooking, but date night is often a treat which means I don't have to. I have a feeling I will be especially grateful for this when I'm sleep deprived and exhausted. You can order it to be delivered or one of you can go and pick it up, either way order in. Rule #4: Be intentional with entertainment. Rent a movie on Redbox, watch an episode of your favorite show, play a board or card game, but here is the catch: You can't start the entertainment until after dinner. Spend that time to talk to each other, see how both of you are feeling. Is there something you're struggling with? Ask each other questions like: What has given you the most joy since becoming a parent? What has been the hardest thing for you so far? You might be surprised by the answers. Do what works for you, if that means some of these rules change, go for it.
Date night out: If you are one of the lucky few who has family and friends nearby and willing to watch the baby for free or cheap, or you have a babysitter that you feel comfortable leaving the baby with, go for a date night out. Dinner and a movie, go for a walk in the park for some outside fresh air, or, a personal favorite, go to the bookstore for coffee, cheesecake, and time to pour over a few pages without a baby crying in the background.
3) Check in with each other daily. Ask each other questions. I mentioned this earlier, but I really think it is important. See how each other is doing. What is going great for them? What is an area they need more encouragement in? Is there anything you can do differently? This won't look the same everyday, that's okay, but it should be a priority. Send a text, write a post-it and put it where the other person will see it and be able to respond, call while you're in the car, check in during nap time, talk before bed, whatever works for you.
4) Pray for each other daily. Change is hard. Transitions are tough, and becoming a parent is a huge transition. One of the best ways you can support and love each other during this time is to pray for each other and pray together. It doesn't have to be long or eloquent. It can be as simple as praying for strength to make it through another day, either way, make this a priority.
Who knows if I will be able to stick to these things as JT and I begin this journey of parenthood, but I am willing to try, and I definitely think it will be worth it. I am well aware that I haven't gone through this transition before and that I have a lot to learn. You really don't have to tell me that I have no idea what I'm getting into. What I do know is that this next season of my life is going to be an adventure full of grace and diapers, and I can't wait to share it all with you guys.