This is currently the third time that I am attempting to write this post. Lest you be concerned, my marriage is going great and I love my husband more today than I did three weeks ago. For all of the writers out there, and for anyone who is curious, I have been in the "I know exactly what I want to say, but how do I say it" cycle since I wrote my week one post.
Here is what I want to say: Marriage works better when you learn how to love your spouse well.
Loving your spouse is really important, everyone knows this, it is nothing new, but the word I want to add to that is well. (I'm going to make some broad generalizations in this post, please forgive me) For our whole lives we have been told that we need to love, but very few people teach us how to love. (Deep) Often, our understanding of love and like get complicated and confused, so let me clarify. The two are like a set of twins that look alike but are very different. If they were characters, they'd look something like this:
Like is the extrovert who always wants to have slumber parties or go to the mall. She likes to hug and giggle, she is bright. She is very self-conscious. Her biggest fear is that people will not like her or want to spend time with her.
Love is the introvert who always wants to make everyone feel important and cared for. She likes to be intentional, aware. She is very reserved and rarely shows herself completely. Her biggest fear is not being good enough for those she cares for the most.
They look the same on the outside, but when you get to know them, they are very different. Most of us know how to like, we are good at it even. The butterflies in the stomach come naturally, the smile stays on your face when you like. Loving is different. It doesn't come the instant you see their sparkling blue eyes or their perfect smile, it takes time and effort. If I am honest, it is hard to love, especially well.
Note: I always love my husband, but I do not always like him.
Like is a feeling that can easily fade when he refuses to shut the cabinet doors or asks you to make dinner after you've worked for 11 hours. Love realizes that God gave you this incredible man, that you get to make him dinner. Christ is the ultimate example of how to love well. One of my favorite things to do is read the Bible and examine how Jesus interacted with his disciples. He knew their weaknesses, their struggles and doubts; He knew how to love them, how to pull them out of their comfort zone and help them fully embrace the call that God had given them.
How can I take this incredible example and my knowledge of like vs love and apply it to my marriage? How can I love my husband well?
Most people in the Christian community, especially if you are married, have read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book shares insight on how we feel loved and how we love others. There are 5 categories (surprise):
1) Physical Touch 2) Quality Time 3) Acts of Service 4) Words of Encouragement 5) Gifts
One of the ways that I can love my husband well is by knowing which of these categories show him love the most. For my husband the first three mean the most to him and the last two fall behind. I love that God did that because those are also my top three love languages.(Note: I have been told that I also love gifts, multiple times, but when picking between that and spending quality time with my husband, I pick the time). It is a great thing that our love languages are the same because people tend to love others the same way that they feel loved, so for us it works out great. If his top two were words and gifts, and mine remained the same, we might have a harder time loving each other well. If we do not understand how someone receives love, then loving them that way is going to be difficult.
I have some friends (shocker) that are an example of overcoming the love language differences. He is a gifts and words of affirmation, she is acts of service and quality time. He will buy her flowers and special gifts that he spent time picking out. She receives them but just wants help with the dishes. This was an area of tension in their relationship for many years, until the wife chose to talk to her husband. (Wow) She did not attack him or belittle gift giving, nor did she choose to passively receive the gifts and nag about helping with the chores; turns out that is not especially helpful. Instead, while out on a date, she talked to him in a respectful and loving way. She told him that she did love the intentions he had with gift giving, and did not want him to stop doing it. She explained that it would mean more to her if he would surprise her with a clean kitchen then a new pair of earrings. Important notes:
1) She did not say that his love language or way of loving was in any way lesser than hers.
2) She did not insult him or his way of loving.
3) She did not disrespect him in making the request.
4) She offered an alternative and solution. She did not just complain.
I can learn things from her.
JT and I have the same love languages, but we still love very differently. I desperately need constant intentional love. My husband needs a hug and a sandwich. (Lest you be fooled, he is an incredibly deep person, he is just relatively easy to please and love. He is basically Winnie the Pooh.) I need the dishes to be done, Jt to have run errands, multiple hugs, to be told that I can do it, taken out to dinner, plans to be made for the week, a new tv show to watch with him, blocks of time set aside for just the two of us, and the list goes on. I'm needy. I get it. I know it. Here is the hard part: I have to be okay with all of those things not happening. Just because they do no all happen does not mean that my husband is not loving me well. I am learning this and working towards this daily. I need some things, like quality time with my husband, but sometimes I can do the dishes. I do need for him to tell me all of the things he has planned for the week, but I do not need to go out to dinner. (The following thoughts are things I have found true for me.)
Loving someone else well means knowing how they feel loved: Do they need emails or phone calls on a regular basis? Do they like being asked to go for frozen yogurt? Do they like hugs?
Loving someone else well means being intentional about loving them: Email them. Ask them to get frozen yogurt. Hug.
Loving someone well consistently, rarely happens by accident.
Here is what I want to say: Marriage works better when you learn how to love your spouse well.
Loving your spouse is really important, everyone knows this, it is nothing new, but the word I want to add to that is well. (I'm going to make some broad generalizations in this post, please forgive me) For our whole lives we have been told that we need to love, but very few people teach us how to love. (Deep) Often, our understanding of love and like get complicated and confused, so let me clarify. The two are like a set of twins that look alike but are very different. If they were characters, they'd look something like this:
Like is the extrovert who always wants to have slumber parties or go to the mall. She likes to hug and giggle, she is bright. She is very self-conscious. Her biggest fear is that people will not like her or want to spend time with her.
Love is the introvert who always wants to make everyone feel important and cared for. She likes to be intentional, aware. She is very reserved and rarely shows herself completely. Her biggest fear is not being good enough for those she cares for the most.
They look the same on the outside, but when you get to know them, they are very different. Most of us know how to like, we are good at it even. The butterflies in the stomach come naturally, the smile stays on your face when you like. Loving is different. It doesn't come the instant you see their sparkling blue eyes or their perfect smile, it takes time and effort. If I am honest, it is hard to love, especially well.
Note: I always love my husband, but I do not always like him.
Like is a feeling that can easily fade when he refuses to shut the cabinet doors or asks you to make dinner after you've worked for 11 hours. Love realizes that God gave you this incredible man, that you get to make him dinner. Christ is the ultimate example of how to love well. One of my favorite things to do is read the Bible and examine how Jesus interacted with his disciples. He knew their weaknesses, their struggles and doubts; He knew how to love them, how to pull them out of their comfort zone and help them fully embrace the call that God had given them.
How can I take this incredible example and my knowledge of like vs love and apply it to my marriage? How can I love my husband well?
Most people in the Christian community, especially if you are married, have read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book shares insight on how we feel loved and how we love others. There are 5 categories (surprise):
1) Physical Touch 2) Quality Time 3) Acts of Service 4) Words of Encouragement 5) Gifts
One of the ways that I can love my husband well is by knowing which of these categories show him love the most. For my husband the first three mean the most to him and the last two fall behind. I love that God did that because those are also my top three love languages.(Note: I have been told that I also love gifts, multiple times, but when picking between that and spending quality time with my husband, I pick the time). It is a great thing that our love languages are the same because people tend to love others the same way that they feel loved, so for us it works out great. If his top two were words and gifts, and mine remained the same, we might have a harder time loving each other well. If we do not understand how someone receives love, then loving them that way is going to be difficult.
I have some friends (shocker) that are an example of overcoming the love language differences. He is a gifts and words of affirmation, she is acts of service and quality time. He will buy her flowers and special gifts that he spent time picking out. She receives them but just wants help with the dishes. This was an area of tension in their relationship for many years, until the wife chose to talk to her husband. (Wow) She did not attack him or belittle gift giving, nor did she choose to passively receive the gifts and nag about helping with the chores; turns out that is not especially helpful. Instead, while out on a date, she talked to him in a respectful and loving way. She told him that she did love the intentions he had with gift giving, and did not want him to stop doing it. She explained that it would mean more to her if he would surprise her with a clean kitchen then a new pair of earrings. Important notes:
1) She did not say that his love language or way of loving was in any way lesser than hers.
2) She did not insult him or his way of loving.
3) She did not disrespect him in making the request.
4) She offered an alternative and solution. She did not just complain.
I can learn things from her.
JT and I have the same love languages, but we still love very differently. I desperately need constant intentional love. My husband needs a hug and a sandwich. (Lest you be fooled, he is an incredibly deep person, he is just relatively easy to please and love. He is basically Winnie the Pooh.) I need the dishes to be done, Jt to have run errands, multiple hugs, to be told that I can do it, taken out to dinner, plans to be made for the week, a new tv show to watch with him, blocks of time set aside for just the two of us, and the list goes on. I'm needy. I get it. I know it. Here is the hard part: I have to be okay with all of those things not happening. Just because they do no all happen does not mean that my husband is not loving me well. I am learning this and working towards this daily. I need some things, like quality time with my husband, but sometimes I can do the dishes. I do need for him to tell me all of the things he has planned for the week, but I do not need to go out to dinner. (The following thoughts are things I have found true for me.)
Loving someone else well means knowing how they feel loved: Do they need emails or phone calls on a regular basis? Do they like being asked to go for frozen yogurt? Do they like hugs?
Loving someone else well means being intentional about loving them: Email them. Ask them to get frozen yogurt. Hug.
Loving someone well consistently, rarely happens by accident.