I have officially been married one week. So let, me give you all the best advice I have on being married.
If you did not just laugh, scoff, or say something along the lines of, "You don't know anything about marriage yet", well, you should have.
It is true, I probably do not know much about marriage. I will be the first (maybe second, my husband might admit it first) to admit that. But (one of the most dangerous words in the English language) I do want to share with you (my mom and anyone who accidentally clicks on this while scrolling through their Facebook feed) some things I have learned over the last few months. That is right folks, we are going back in time to when I was engaged in order to talk about being married. If you think I might still have something credible to say or think you could use a good laugh, please continue reading.
Story Time Part 1
Towards the beginning of my engagement, people asked how the wedding planning was going. To which I said, "Well, I know who I am marrying and why." That was pretty much it from July-December. Well, that and about 63 pins on Pinterest (which I always had a terrible time spelling until I realized it was a combination of Pin and Interest, you're welcome). I had many ideas of what I wanted my wedding and reception to be. I had a great wedding planned in my head. But when you work two jobs, are a full time student, are trying to plan your life (where to live once you get married and how you pay for it), and really like spending time with amazing people, wedding planning tends to be forgotten. It was on the proverbial back burner. Which, I was totally okay with. I was. Almost everyone I talked to about the subject would say something along the lines of: "Well you at least know where you are going to get married?" or "At least you have your dress." To which I would smile and say, "No." And they would look at me with a mixture of confusion and disbelief with a dash of "are you crazy?" splashed in for flavor. If you are one of the people who said this to me, I love you and am really grateful for you in my life; without you, I probably would have gone down the "aisle" in my back yard wearing my trusty overalls and a t-shirt. My point is, wedding planning was not a huge deal to me, did I love thinking about ideas, and sharing them with my inner circle of kindred spirits? Yes. Did I like the idea of spending money on food that wouldn't taste great and table cloths? No. Wedding planning was not the thing I had on my mind.
Side note: JT has asked me to elope/"go to the courthouse" everyday since we started dating. Yes. He is crazy. He is also smarter than me and knew the dangers of wedding planning.
Story Time Part 2
A few weeks ago, once wedding planning had actually begun and was well on its way to being almost, kind of, half way finished I was talking to a friend of mine. She asked many of the questions that most did, "How is the wedding planning going?", "Do you have your dress?", "What is the color scheme?" When I told her the things I had done, and then showed her the things that were left, she said something along the lines of, "Dude." You can interpret that as, "Oh my goodness, you have so much to do, there is no way you are going to get it all done, why have you waited until now to do this, I'm sorry, I am praying for you." She did not say all this, because she knows me and had faith that what needed to be done would get done.
The Point
Okay, so here is where I get to the point of why I actually wanted to write this in the first place. That is right everyone, I have point. (Cue the "Hallelujah Chorus")
It is not about the wedding.
Boom.
I said it.
It isn't, it was not for me, and it shouldn't be for you. Whether you are already married, 13 and shouldn't want to get married just yet, helping a friend or child get married, or are a gold retriever who learned how to read, it isn't.
Two days ago, I showed up at my youngest brothers history day at school just to say hi to my mom and brother, and to see my tutoring students project (Which was epic and made me really glad I didn't help with it). While there, I saw some of my friends who are awesome, just so you guys know. They were like, "Uh, what are you doing here, you just got married?" Which is the most common greeting I have received recently. (Side Note: Why do people expect me to disappear and stay away from everyone I know once I get married for a least a week? I love JT, and I love spending time with him. But that does not mean I can't answer your text message about which wire to cut to defuse the bomb or whether you should take the blue or red pill.) I explained why I was there and somehow we go to the topic of the wedding. It was here that I said this, "When you get married, plan for the marriage, not the wedding." This was a statement that I had said to two other girls over the past month, but did not realize its importance until I heard her response.
"I've never heard that before."
Wow. When did the wedding become so important that we forgot to tell our daughters and friends about the marriage?
The flowers, centerpieces, and stained table cloths all go away at the end of the day. You actually are not even there to say goodbye to those things, and guess what? You don't care. Why? Because you are married!!! So, why should you focus so much time and effort on those things, when they do not really matter?
Here is the thing, I loved my wedding. I loved that I had dyed daisies from Kroger that I bought the day before, they changed all of the water different colors. It was like my own personal magic trick. I loved that I had sail boats and hot air balloons as center pieces. I loved that my childhood donut shop (shoutout to Donut King) supplied almost 300 donuts for the wedding. But (there is that word again), I love JT so much more. Not only that, but I love the people who spent hours helping me sort through my brain (God bless them), buying food, and finalizing details. And I still love them because I didn't kill, discourage, or destroy them during the wedding planning process.
It was more important for me to spend one-on-one time with JT the day before the wedding than it was for me to make sure the bouquets were put together, the dresses were steamed, or that everyone had matching shoes. (The bouquets were finished, the dresses didn't need it, and I didn't care)
It was more important that JT and I spend a significant amount of time with a godly couple who really care about us and our marriage than it was for me to have my childhood best friend do my hair on my wedding day. (She did an amazing job!)
It was more important that JT and I understood what marriage was from a biblical perspective than it was to have the perfect playlist. (Let us not talk about this one)
Planning for the marriage is more important than planning for the wedding.
If your wedding can fade away after all of the care and attention you put into every detail, what do you think will happen to your marriage when you don't put half the amount of time and effort into planning it?
I am not perfect. The Lord has given me incredible amounts of grace in my life. I am not perfect. Neither is JT. But (ouch) God has brought us together for a reason, and I believe it is because we will be able to bring Him more glory together than we ever could apart. I love this. I love that I get to live life with someone else. I am grateful that God allowed me to see the importance of focusing on my marriage and not my wedding.
If you did not just laugh, scoff, or say something along the lines of, "You don't know anything about marriage yet", well, you should have.
It is true, I probably do not know much about marriage. I will be the first (maybe second, my husband might admit it first) to admit that. But (one of the most dangerous words in the English language) I do want to share with you (my mom and anyone who accidentally clicks on this while scrolling through their Facebook feed) some things I have learned over the last few months. That is right folks, we are going back in time to when I was engaged in order to talk about being married. If you think I might still have something credible to say or think you could use a good laugh, please continue reading.
Story Time Part 1
Towards the beginning of my engagement, people asked how the wedding planning was going. To which I said, "Well, I know who I am marrying and why." That was pretty much it from July-December. Well, that and about 63 pins on Pinterest (which I always had a terrible time spelling until I realized it was a combination of Pin and Interest, you're welcome). I had many ideas of what I wanted my wedding and reception to be. I had a great wedding planned in my head. But when you work two jobs, are a full time student, are trying to plan your life (where to live once you get married and how you pay for it), and really like spending time with amazing people, wedding planning tends to be forgotten. It was on the proverbial back burner. Which, I was totally okay with. I was. Almost everyone I talked to about the subject would say something along the lines of: "Well you at least know where you are going to get married?" or "At least you have your dress." To which I would smile and say, "No." And they would look at me with a mixture of confusion and disbelief with a dash of "are you crazy?" splashed in for flavor. If you are one of the people who said this to me, I love you and am really grateful for you in my life; without you, I probably would have gone down the "aisle" in my back yard wearing my trusty overalls and a t-shirt. My point is, wedding planning was not a huge deal to me, did I love thinking about ideas, and sharing them with my inner circle of kindred spirits? Yes. Did I like the idea of spending money on food that wouldn't taste great and table cloths? No. Wedding planning was not the thing I had on my mind.
Side note: JT has asked me to elope/"go to the courthouse" everyday since we started dating. Yes. He is crazy. He is also smarter than me and knew the dangers of wedding planning.
Story Time Part 2
A few weeks ago, once wedding planning had actually begun and was well on its way to being almost, kind of, half way finished I was talking to a friend of mine. She asked many of the questions that most did, "How is the wedding planning going?", "Do you have your dress?", "What is the color scheme?" When I told her the things I had done, and then showed her the things that were left, she said something along the lines of, "Dude." You can interpret that as, "Oh my goodness, you have so much to do, there is no way you are going to get it all done, why have you waited until now to do this, I'm sorry, I am praying for you." She did not say all this, because she knows me and had faith that what needed to be done would get done.
The Point
Okay, so here is where I get to the point of why I actually wanted to write this in the first place. That is right everyone, I have point. (Cue the "Hallelujah Chorus")
It is not about the wedding.
Boom.
I said it.
It isn't, it was not for me, and it shouldn't be for you. Whether you are already married, 13 and shouldn't want to get married just yet, helping a friend or child get married, or are a gold retriever who learned how to read, it isn't.
Two days ago, I showed up at my youngest brothers history day at school just to say hi to my mom and brother, and to see my tutoring students project (Which was epic and made me really glad I didn't help with it). While there, I saw some of my friends who are awesome, just so you guys know. They were like, "Uh, what are you doing here, you just got married?" Which is the most common greeting I have received recently. (Side Note: Why do people expect me to disappear and stay away from everyone I know once I get married for a least a week? I love JT, and I love spending time with him. But that does not mean I can't answer your text message about which wire to cut to defuse the bomb or whether you should take the blue or red pill.) I explained why I was there and somehow we go to the topic of the wedding. It was here that I said this, "When you get married, plan for the marriage, not the wedding." This was a statement that I had said to two other girls over the past month, but did not realize its importance until I heard her response.
"I've never heard that before."
Wow. When did the wedding become so important that we forgot to tell our daughters and friends about the marriage?
The flowers, centerpieces, and stained table cloths all go away at the end of the day. You actually are not even there to say goodbye to those things, and guess what? You don't care. Why? Because you are married!!! So, why should you focus so much time and effort on those things, when they do not really matter?
Here is the thing, I loved my wedding. I loved that I had dyed daisies from Kroger that I bought the day before, they changed all of the water different colors. It was like my own personal magic trick. I loved that I had sail boats and hot air balloons as center pieces. I loved that my childhood donut shop (shoutout to Donut King) supplied almost 300 donuts for the wedding. But (there is that word again), I love JT so much more. Not only that, but I love the people who spent hours helping me sort through my brain (God bless them), buying food, and finalizing details. And I still love them because I didn't kill, discourage, or destroy them during the wedding planning process.
It was more important for me to spend one-on-one time with JT the day before the wedding than it was for me to make sure the bouquets were put together, the dresses were steamed, or that everyone had matching shoes. (The bouquets were finished, the dresses didn't need it, and I didn't care)
It was more important that JT and I spend a significant amount of time with a godly couple who really care about us and our marriage than it was for me to have my childhood best friend do my hair on my wedding day. (She did an amazing job!)
It was more important that JT and I understood what marriage was from a biblical perspective than it was to have the perfect playlist. (Let us not talk about this one)
Planning for the marriage is more important than planning for the wedding.
If your wedding can fade away after all of the care and attention you put into every detail, what do you think will happen to your marriage when you don't put half the amount of time and effort into planning it?
I am not perfect. The Lord has given me incredible amounts of grace in my life. I am not perfect. Neither is JT. But (ouch) God has brought us together for a reason, and I believe it is because we will be able to bring Him more glory together than we ever could apart. I love this. I love that I get to live life with someone else. I am grateful that God allowed me to see the importance of focusing on my marriage and not my wedding.