If you ask me how married life is going, or to tell you something I have learned since being married, then I will probably tell you the following two things.
1. I can’t be mad at JT for doing things if I don’t tell him that they bother me.
2. I get to be with my husband.
Let me explain.
JT & I attended premarital counseling, and we both enjoyed it. During said counseling, we learned many things about marriage and each other. The items listed above, are two of the things that have impacted me the most from the counseling. By impacted, I mean, the things I think about and attempt to apply the most. (Please note the word “attempt”)
I am sure that JT is tired of hearing these words: “I am going to tell you something, because it is upsetting me (for whatever reason), and it isn’t fair that I get mad at you for it if I don’t tell you and give you an opportunity to do something about it.” So where did this lovely piece of wisdom come from? How could it have been brought up in a casual conversation about marriage? Well, I hate my husband’s phone. Correction: I have strongly disliked my husband’s phone at several times in the past. Reality: I don’t enjoy it, and often (because I am a selfish human being) feel unloved, when he chooses to play games on his phone instead of talk to me. For months, I chose not to share my feelings with JT because “it really shouldn’t bother me this much,” and for months I held an amount of bitterness towards my husband (‘s phone). When I mentioned it in counseling, the couple who was counseling us, said something along the lines of, “But, it does bother you.” I tried explaining my way out it saying, “Yes, but I know that it shouldn’t and is not a huge deal.” To which someone said, “But, it does bother you.” The truth was, yes, it bothered me, and several times, it had caused me to lash out against my husband (then fiancé) unnecessarily. The suggestion: Why don’t you tell JT when he is doing something that bothers you/makes you feel unloved or unimportant?
Why didn’t I think of that? It seemed so simple, and logical. (Maybe, I didn’t think about it because I am often not simple or logical.)
The reality is that I was trying to not let it bother me, or nag JT constantly about things, and I assumed in all of it, that JT was a mind reader and knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling. Since he knew what I was thinking, obviously, he was going to change his ways and spend more time with me than his phone. However, for some strange reason, he continued to stay on his phone, and I continued to be grumpy and focused on not letting it bother me. Our counseling couple said such a simple statement, “when he does something that bothers you, tell him.” Side Note: Tell him, when it happens or shortly after, if the current moment is not appropriate, and do it out of love with the hope of improving your relationship. Don’t tell him he is annoying or doing everything wrong. Love him well.
So, that my friends, is my advice to you. If your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or even just a friend is doing something that makes you feel unloved or unimportant, tell them (in a loving, non-accusatory manner). Tell them that watching tv during dinner instead of talking about your day makes you feel like your day does not matter to them. Tell them that not being invited to the movies or to dinner with some of your other friends made you feel like you had done something wrong. Tell them that you need to hear them say “I love you” more. Tell them that it makes you feel unhappy when they promise to do the dishes but never do. If you don’t tell them, they probably don’t know.
Note: There is always the chance that they do know that it bothers you; that they are just hoping to get away with it, or that you will get over it. That is a different piece of advice, and I have yet to discover it. Feel free to post your thoughts on this comment below.
“I get to be with my husband”. I do, a lot actually, and I love it. I had a less than positive set of emotions towards something that I would be doing with JT, and, again, the advice that the couple gave was simple. Even if you do not think you will enjoy this, or that it is going to be a difficult thing, try and remind yourself, “You get to be with your husband.”
This was the perfect thing to say to me. For those of you who don’t know me, or who don’t know me and JT together, let me enlighten you on something. JT is my very best friend. He is my favorite human being to spend time with, talk to, and look at. I am totally smitten and I’m not afraid to tell people that. (Which is potentially another piece of advice. Love your spouse and tell everyone. Okay, maybe not, I don’t really know.) Telling me that I get to be with my husband when I do anything is basically, the best thing ever. While I did not have the most positive outlook on the situation, reminding myself that I got to be with my husband was all I needed to hear in order to have a change of heart.
This might not work for everyone, but for me the simple fact that I had a husband to be with, that I really enjoyed being with him, and even more, that I got to be with him on a regular basis had the ability to change my attitude.
These two statements were not some sort of magical, never before said truths, they were simple. I’m beginning to understand the best piece of advice you can give someone is often that, simple.
1. I can’t be mad at JT for doing things if I don’t tell him that they bother me.
2. I get to be with my husband.
Let me explain.
JT & I attended premarital counseling, and we both enjoyed it. During said counseling, we learned many things about marriage and each other. The items listed above, are two of the things that have impacted me the most from the counseling. By impacted, I mean, the things I think about and attempt to apply the most. (Please note the word “attempt”)
I am sure that JT is tired of hearing these words: “I am going to tell you something, because it is upsetting me (for whatever reason), and it isn’t fair that I get mad at you for it if I don’t tell you and give you an opportunity to do something about it.” So where did this lovely piece of wisdom come from? How could it have been brought up in a casual conversation about marriage? Well, I hate my husband’s phone. Correction: I have strongly disliked my husband’s phone at several times in the past. Reality: I don’t enjoy it, and often (because I am a selfish human being) feel unloved, when he chooses to play games on his phone instead of talk to me. For months, I chose not to share my feelings with JT because “it really shouldn’t bother me this much,” and for months I held an amount of bitterness towards my husband (‘s phone). When I mentioned it in counseling, the couple who was counseling us, said something along the lines of, “But, it does bother you.” I tried explaining my way out it saying, “Yes, but I know that it shouldn’t and is not a huge deal.” To which someone said, “But, it does bother you.” The truth was, yes, it bothered me, and several times, it had caused me to lash out against my husband (then fiancé) unnecessarily. The suggestion: Why don’t you tell JT when he is doing something that bothers you/makes you feel unloved or unimportant?
Why didn’t I think of that? It seemed so simple, and logical. (Maybe, I didn’t think about it because I am often not simple or logical.)
The reality is that I was trying to not let it bother me, or nag JT constantly about things, and I assumed in all of it, that JT was a mind reader and knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling. Since he knew what I was thinking, obviously, he was going to change his ways and spend more time with me than his phone. However, for some strange reason, he continued to stay on his phone, and I continued to be grumpy and focused on not letting it bother me. Our counseling couple said such a simple statement, “when he does something that bothers you, tell him.” Side Note: Tell him, when it happens or shortly after, if the current moment is not appropriate, and do it out of love with the hope of improving your relationship. Don’t tell him he is annoying or doing everything wrong. Love him well.
So, that my friends, is my advice to you. If your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or even just a friend is doing something that makes you feel unloved or unimportant, tell them (in a loving, non-accusatory manner). Tell them that watching tv during dinner instead of talking about your day makes you feel like your day does not matter to them. Tell them that not being invited to the movies or to dinner with some of your other friends made you feel like you had done something wrong. Tell them that you need to hear them say “I love you” more. Tell them that it makes you feel unhappy when they promise to do the dishes but never do. If you don’t tell them, they probably don’t know.
Note: There is always the chance that they do know that it bothers you; that they are just hoping to get away with it, or that you will get over it. That is a different piece of advice, and I have yet to discover it. Feel free to post your thoughts on this comment below.
“I get to be with my husband”. I do, a lot actually, and I love it. I had a less than positive set of emotions towards something that I would be doing with JT, and, again, the advice that the couple gave was simple. Even if you do not think you will enjoy this, or that it is going to be a difficult thing, try and remind yourself, “You get to be with your husband.”
This was the perfect thing to say to me. For those of you who don’t know me, or who don’t know me and JT together, let me enlighten you on something. JT is my very best friend. He is my favorite human being to spend time with, talk to, and look at. I am totally smitten and I’m not afraid to tell people that. (Which is potentially another piece of advice. Love your spouse and tell everyone. Okay, maybe not, I don’t really know.) Telling me that I get to be with my husband when I do anything is basically, the best thing ever. While I did not have the most positive outlook on the situation, reminding myself that I got to be with my husband was all I needed to hear in order to have a change of heart.
This might not work for everyone, but for me the simple fact that I had a husband to be with, that I really enjoyed being with him, and even more, that I got to be with him on a regular basis had the ability to change my attitude.
These two statements were not some sort of magical, never before said truths, they were simple. I’m beginning to understand the best piece of advice you can give someone is often that, simple.